Alabama Goddamn

So here’s what you do. You form a PAC called “Rapists for Republicans.” Then you run the following ad, starring the sleeziest, slimiest, most stereotypical pedophile type you can:

I like little girls. The younger the better. And I’m gonna be a daddy, thanks to the Republican Party of Alabama.

You see, with this new law, I can kidnap your little twelve-year-old girl, lock her up in my basement, rape her every day for a month, and even if the cops finally track her down and free her from my clutches, well, I’m still on top. Because if she’s pregnant, and she probably is, you can’t do anything about that. Nope!

I mean, it’s gonna be hard. ‘Cause I brutalized her pretty badly, you know. And now she’s gonna have to have a baby on top of that? It’s gonna ruin her life. And yours. But it’s gonna be my baby. I’m a member of your family now!

Thank God the Republican Party of Alabama is standing up for the parental rights of rapists everywhere.

You run that ad constantly. You make a character of the guy–call him Ralph the Rapist or Pete the Pedophile–and run ads with him personally endorsing every goddamn Republican in the state. And then you take him national, have him give his endorsement to every Republican around: Cause my good friend French Hill is gonna bring Alabama-style justice to the whole country. He’s a Republican, and he’ll stand up for rapist rights everywhere!

You do not worry about misrepresenting slightly nuanced views on the extreme right regarding abortion. You do not worry about your opponents taking offense at being called cheerleaders for rapists everywhere. You do not overthink this.

No, you do this because the Republican Party constitutes an existential threat to human rights and democracy and because, yes, they are actually siding with the rapists on this one. And because, as my mom taught me when I was young, there is no such thing as a fair fight–there is only the fight you walk away from. “Don’t punch anyone in the face,” she said. “God after the soft bits–crotch, gut, throat, eyes. You punch, kick, scratch, bite–whatever it takes. And for goodness sake, don’t try to ‘be a man.’ Don’t give him a single chance to get at you. Remember, the fight is only over once you have gotten safely away or he has stopped moving.”

In other words, whatever it takes to save your life and the lives of those you love. That attitude is what we need in politics right now. Republicans understand that this is a bloody fucking fight, not a celebration of the marketplace of ideas. And we need to do the same.

This ad was paid for by Rapists for the Republican Party.


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